My throat was on El Niño on a hot Sunday morning. I also had fever the same day dragged onto Wednesday. I had the worst tonsillitis I've had in years! The nerve wrecking pain every time I swallow made me lose my appetite and thirst for water. No it didn't stop there. I had rashes all over my body and my fever was extremely high throughout its onset. Oh, and it's as if I played rough sports for a day that my joints are aching at maximum tolerance. I was restless, weak and leaning towards the wilderness.
There were moments that my thoughts traveled back to day 1 of my working life and horrendous realizations took place. No good thing came out of that journey. It was all remorse for how awful things has been for the "faithful, hopeful" me. All I could think of is the fact that I never stopped praying for my career in a good-paying company where I'd be given work-life balance. The harsh reality is this : I had a tough time preparing for my requirements because of the lack of assistance and materials, my salary was delayed for an unacceptable reason and my tax was doubled too. I was randomly picked, like everybody else, to play a role that never crossed my mind - not even once! It's like my first dream job, that I know will make me apply everything I have worked hard for in college, just died a painful death. Yes, I did not get the job role I perceived to be a stepping stone towards the career path I had in mind. I worked on shifting schedules, and even had to work on a graveyard shift for a month, was on a day shift for barely a week, and poof it's back to the grave again.
I lost sight of prayer. I ridiculed myself whenever a positive thought comes popping out. I saw myself as forgotten, forsaken, unworthy. I didn't blame God for the unwanted and not-so-happy things that has happened to me over the past few months. I simply convinced myself that I deserve it all. Who am I to have my prayers answered anyway? Who am I to be given my heart's desires? Nothing, nothing. I am a sinner. And though my sins have not affected anyone but myself, I still find myself unworthy.
I was wandering in my own circle of darkness until Thursday morning, when I was home alone. I had to face the fact that I will have to report to work at 7pm and I was a total wreck.
I had breakfast on dad's coffee table, with Christmas lights on. I had this urge to take my journal and prayer book with me. I opened my facebook app and scrolled through posts, and chanced upon Godly Women's post about the song "Praise You In This Storm" (here's the link). I read it while having my breakfast and even before I finished, my tears were flowing non-stop. I could hardly breathe, especially when I played the video of the song. I cried, and cried, and cried to the Lord.
Crying so hard made me experience healing and allow my vulnerability to be taken over by His grace and loving kindness. It was a beautiful moment to feel my love for God rekindled and my spirit of worship restored. I was brought back to life, better than ever. At least, starting that very day I made a decision to find my way back to Him.
It's pretty amazing that just right after I had my moment with the Lord, I was inspired to write two songs - about my journey finding my godly self, and about love.
It feels like my first time to smile without being empty.
Now I'm ready to love you Lord, more than ever. I need your grace...sustain me, Father. Strengthen me once more, and make me live a life that is pleasing to you.
