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Here I am, writing from my hospital bed at 2:51PM, day 02 of x.
This is the last place I thought I'd be, and it has never occurred to me that I'd be suitable prey to what has killed many before me. How I wish I wrote this sooner. How I wish I went through this sooner. Maybe this could have saved at least one. just one. But this saved me. Somehow.
I chose to get help, because of my son. I don't want him to grow up without a mama by his side. I don't want him to ask why I did not fight for him. Most of all - I chose to get help because I fear God's wrath upon the woman He so loved and created, yet had several thoughts of wasting away the precious life He has given.
I'm still in the process of recovery. In fact, I only started yesterday. And this is part of my therapy . . . to write, again. to feel, again. to let myself flow, again.
So... what does it really feel like to have depression?
Sometimes you feel nothing.
Totally apathetic to the things that once brought joy, things that make you feel very angry, or even things that should matter but they you are (probably even rolling your eyes) and not having any reaction at all.
And that hollow 'feeling' is what makes you ask yourself repeatedly - "what's wrong with me?". And the lack of answers continue to drown you in that state of darkness.
Depression is abruptly stopping yourself from crying because you suddenly feel void of emotions;
Depression is naturally acting like you don't care even if you know you do,
Depression is not being alarmed by consequences of mistakes,
Depression is detaching yourself from the world even if they see or feel your presence,
Depression is believing you're invisible to everyone else around you,
Depression is being undeniably restless in the day and wildly burning your fuel thoughts at night,
Depression is merely existing because of an absurd purpose you're too tired to figure out
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| Work of Artist #4 via Bored Panda's Depression Interpretation |
Past wounds bleed fresh that it burns and prompts an outpour of tears. . . and they just flow, and flow, until your eyes feel sore. You have over the top outbursts of anger that make your entire body tremble; fists clenched and high pitched reasoning (or lack thereof), even hitting walls and tables, hitting yourself, and just losing consciousness of reality for a moment without blacking out. Then there are moments you're like a ticking time bomb ready to explode with the slightest irking gesture or comment from people around you. And of course, let's not forget the anxiety attacks like daggers in your chest, and sometimes disguises itself like a scarf that softly chokes you as your thoughts progress.
Depression is slowly, unnoticeably, bleeding all your colors out, until what's left of you is darkness and irrepairable brokenness you can't fathom.
Sometimes you feel both.
And this is the worse, because you feel everything yet the manifestations are most bizarre. Not wanting to sleep and not wanting to wake up, not wanting to be alone but not wanting to talk to anybody, not wanting to move but not wanting to be stuck in one place, not wanting to cry but not wanting to smile, not wanting to be noticed but not wanting ignored, not wanting to feel needy but not wanting to ask for help.
It's like standing in the intersection of a deserted place not knowing which way to go yet anxious you'll be hit any time by a speeding vehicle, because you made yourself invisible.
And sometimes you just stare. . .
Blankly, loosely, vaguely, while everything around you has been circling 'round the clock. Like a tv show you're watching but can't remember, a number of phone calls and messages simply passing by, notes you made but forgot what it was all about, missing out on necessary details you should be writing or taking note of, delaying tasks because it makes you feel anxious and heavy while tricking yourself into doing things that make you feel good but don't.
Your brain keeps telling you "it's temporary", yet the permanent feasible solution is to end it.
End it because it's too heavy.
End it because no one will care.
End it because maybe after this they would,
End it because they're better of without you
End it because you feel empty
End it because what's the point?
End it because it's a dead end anyway
BUT YOU DON'T REALLY want that.
Deep inside, ENDING IT doesn't bring the truest satisfaction.
"thinking about it", is satisfying. But doing it, takes time to ripen.
My brain tells me that -
when it's heavy, the load can be lightened only if we allow it.
when we think no one will care, we only need to ask for help
when we don't know who would, the right people will not stop showing up
when they're better off without, there are people better WITH us
when it feels empty, we surely need to be refilled by a source that never runs out
when there seems to be no point, there will always be endless reasons
when it's a dead end, remember that even God parted the seas to make a way if there seems to be none
Shrug off the naysayers and judgmental people.
The smirks and vile comments of people who don't know you, or "THINK" they know you.
They literally do not know what they're doing or saying.
As for me, I'm trying to find out more about why, and how, I can heal. We can heal.
DEPRESSION is REAL .
Perhaps it's scientifically mental, perhaps it's also heavily emotional, perhaps somewhat social, perhaps partly physical, and perhaps rooted on the spiritual aspect of things. It can't be just one. It's ALL of the ABOVE.
And it doesn't JUST HAPPEN overnight.
Surely mine bore fruit in 2017 and fully ripened the past months, but the root is deep and trunk is sturdy, that they must be cut off.
We can't treat everything all at once, but what I did was start with what I could -
THE SOCIAL ASPECT :* push myself to get up and dress up to see a trusted friend
* have lunch at a restaurant that made me feel like home (Cafe Mary Grace)
* let myself be vulnerable enough and opened myself to any advice that had sensible logic (ie looking at priorities / evaluating people in my life). NOT the advice of being "positive"/ "pray more" yadayadayda you know what I mean
THE SPIRITUAL ASPECT :
* I tried to seek counseling... but I'm still waiting for my schedule
* Meanwhile I started to attend THE FEAST (Salcedo). Though I felt mostly nothing, it meant a lot to be in the same crowd of believers, and having a good laugh didn't hurt
* I started reading my devotionals (God's Whispers to a Woman's Heart by Cindi McMenamin and God's Promises to Women by Lighthouse Books)
THE MENTAL ASPECT :
* I sought medical help.... knowing (and being fully aware) that depression is a sickness, and as much as I am denying that I am depressed, it wouldn't also hurt being seen by professionals.
So yes, after being evaluated at first visit, the recommendation was to be admitted for further management due to the initial diagnosis of severe depression that's been going on for 2 years now.
We'll see what happens. Right now I'm just happy I'm finally writing again. And I haven't done this in a looooooong time. Maybe while I'm here, I'll begin the process of healing through writing again.
FAITH goes hand in hand with ACTION.
...and choosing to be treated is the first step I'm making, while letting God do the rest.
Pray for me please?
It is one of my deepest desires to be that happy wonder human again.
For Johahn.
For myself.
For the Lord.
**** prayers for you too, dear reader. we're in this together! we'll conquer this soon. one day, one step at a time. please know that you are in my thoughts, no matter how lucid they are. . . we'll make it. please hold on. hang on. I hope you're also figuring something out, while I am. then maybe we can make it work, maybe we can help each other. I'm here, even if I don't understand it myself. But I'm here. and I love you with God's love ***LINK TO PART 2 :
http://www.thewonderhuman.com/2019/03/depression-road-to-recovery-part-2.html
