Healing Our 15 Why's

I was on hiatus for the longest time, and now I'm here again... finally ready to tell YOU my story, because you're here. Whether you're just curious or looking for answers; an old friend wondering how I am, or a stranger that's here by no accident; someone still waiting, still hurting, still dreaming, still loving, still trying... don't give up just yet.

Joy in Spring | Coffee Project | February 2020

You see, we are all trees weathering through tough and blissful seasons. We are the way we are now because of  where we were planted and how we were nurtured, but through the painful process of being burned to ashes -  I've discovered that we can actually be replanted again, we can start growing again, we can begin again.
// see Jeremiah 17:8 for affirmation 

Disclaimer : I will be unraveling sensitive topics stigmatized for the past decades, and will try my best to be as truthful as possible (no filter, but with needful omissions due to data privacy) because I've always been certain about how raw truths are the most piercing yet freeing.

I pray this finds you well, and thank you for being here :)


What happened to me in 2019? I shut down.
I shut down because after so many years of battling with internal expectations and external demands. I shut down because I could no longer make progress in any task, I was forgetful of noted conversations, and failed more than I won. I shut down because of the why's that consumed me. I shut down because of the why's that almost destroyed me.

The shut down lead to my confinement for weeks, and the clinical diagnosis is chronic adjustment disorder with depressed mood - a type of depression. Though there are different types of depression that can co-exist with other kinds of illnesses, it is what it is :

a disruptive seed in someone's life that can take away years, damage relationships, and ultimately steal one's life, if left untreated. 

I called it a seed, because it is something that didn't just happen or came out of nowhere. It does not DEFINE a person. It is not an emotion, it is not an indicator of one's spiritual life, it is not to be taken lightly. READ :  http://www.thewonderhuman.com/2019/03/depression-road-to-recovery-part-2.html

It's been a year since I started day 1 of healing. 

Healing does take time, but it also involves a lot of conscious effort while waiting. Mine was to analyze patterns and root causes, try new responses to triggers, fail and succeed and fail again, and write them all in my journal. Even if I'm not yet where I want to be, even if there's a relapse once in a while, even if I still have destructive thoughts that follow through, I now understand why I had to go through that season of winter. I now understand WHY we ask the painful why's that haunt and steal our joy too often. 

Our 15 Why's : 

1. Why did I loose my joy, my passion, and childlike wonder?
2. Why am I often angry and irritable yet numb and apathetic?
3. Why are my feelings always invalidated?
4. Why do I have to be sorry for expressing myself? For being me?
5. Why can't I do anything right?

6. Why can't I be consoled instead of corrected?
7. Why do I always have to adjust?
8. Why do I feel like I don't deserve the things I want?
9. Why am I always unappreciated / underappreciated?
10. Why am I always the one who does & gives more?

11. Why do I feel empty and lacking? 

12. Why am I not enough?

13. Why am I not worth fighting for?

14. Why have You forsaken me?
15. Why am I like this? why now?

I know I'm not alone in this, I know there are many people out there with the same why's. I know there are quiet souls yearning to be heard, tired souls craving to taste sweet solace even for a while. I know there are a few who want to understand the ones they love, and what they're going through.

In the next series of posts, I'll take you through each question - the deeper why's behind them, and the how's of having faith in autumn and hope in winter, joy in summer and love in spring.

Until then, please take care of yourself while our frontliners are trying their best to manage the rising number of coronavirus cases. Oh and I'm just an email / chat away if you need someone to talk to :)

Love with wonder,
BEA JALANDONI
thewonderhuman